Friday, May 28, 2010

Being a working mom...

...Sucks! I seriously HATE being away from my baby. After 3 days of work, I told them that it wasn't working out. I said I like the job (insurance and investments) but that I missed my baby too much, so unless I can work part time I can't stay. We are going to have a meeting about it on Tuesday and see if part time is an option. I understand that every one is different. Some moms need that time away to re-group. And I totally get that. But I just can't do it. I hate that someone else is with my baby more than me. Anyway I decided to follow my heart. I will never regret being with my baby. So... anyway what's new with y'all? Here's a pic of my baby and her Dad at the park.


Sunday, May 23, 2010


Sorry I haven't been around. Our computer broke, and I have no idea when it will be fixed. Also I start working tomorrow. I miss my baby already!!!


Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Birth Story Part 2

You can read Part 1 here

Finally around 6:30 a.m. on Sunday I felt the urge to push. They are not joking when they say that you will know when it’s time to push. You pretty much can’t stop yourself. I pushed for a little over an hour. Her heart rate dropped a little bit so they put the oxygen mask on me, which I hated. Dr. Dillon tried to use the vacuum to help her out but she had too much hair it wouldn’t stick. Finally, at 8:01 a.m. on October 3rd she came out and they placed her on my chest. I wanted to enjoy the moment, I really wanted to. I had seen those moments on TV, I had imagined it a thousand times. But she wasn’t crying and I couldn’t enjoy the moment. I wanted them to take her from me. I wanted them to take her, make sure she was ok and then give her back. Finally I said “is she ok?” and they took her to check her out. I kept asking, I’m not sure if they weren’t answering me, or if I just didn’t hear them. After a few minutes of what seemed like an eternity they gave her back to me, and she was ok.

The rest of my stay in the hospital was kind of a blur. I was very happy with the hospital and the accommodations. I LOVED my doctor. She is the best Doctor I have ever had. And the nurses who took care of Jayden and me were amazing. But it has taken me 7 months to write this because when I think back on that time with Jayden, I feel cheated. Maybe it was the fact that I hadn’t slept in over 40 hours, maybe it was that I was feeling like a stranger watching this day happen, maybe it was that I looked at Jayden, and knew she was mine, but she didn’t fee like mine. I knew that I wasn’t feeling the way I was supposed to feel. I looked at my daughters face and I knew she was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, but I still didn’t feel like she was really my baby. I nursed her and cried, I never imagined how much it would hurt. I felt like a failure. This did not feel right, it did not feel like a bonding experience with her. It felt like pain, just pain. They said it would get better, which by the way it never did.

Until I left on Monday, it was a blur of drifting in and out of sleep. Trying to nurse my baby, watching HGTV on the hospital TV, and lots of pain from my delivery. When the nurse came in to give me my discharge instructions, she explained what I needed to do to care for myself. But she couldn’t give me a book of instructions on how to care for this little baby that depended on me. I was so scared. And it hit me, I have no idea what I’m doing, I’ve never even held a newborn before. Then she said it, “when you get home you might start feeling sad, like you are doing things wrong, and even like you are a bad mom. It’s ok, it’s normal, it’s called “Baby Blues.” When I get home? What if I already feel like that? What if I already feel sad and I haven’t been a mom for longer than a day and a half. I clung to the part of the sentence that said it was normal. And we took our daughter home.

As we got settled in there was no doubt that I was experiencing “Baby Blues.” It was devastating. I cried every single day, and usually around the time it started to get dark. I cried every time I nursed Jayden, and every time she woke up in the middle of the night. I knew she was waking up to eat and I knew it was going to hurt. A few weeks passed and those feelings started to subside. But I was feeling another kind of sad now. I was still crying every day. And I was feeling very overwhelmed and sad. I knew I loved my baby, but I just didn’t feel like myself. When Jayden was around 3 months old, I was on the phone with Jeremy, crying again. He said to me with a desperate tone, “Baby, what’s wrong?” I knew he didn’t mean what’s wrong right now, he meant what is always wrong. He knew something wasn’t right, and for the first time I realized too that something wasn’t right. I went on the internet and looked up Postpartum Depression. I saw a list of symptoms, I read them, and I burst into tears. I have this, this is me. Instead of being relieved that I now know what’s wrong, I was just sad. I was disappointed in myself, I felt worse than ever.

I made an appointment with my awesome doctor, she was compassionate and understanding. She assured me that is was a hormonal imbalance, and it was NOT my fault. I felt relief. I needed to hear that. After a few weeks of my medication I started to feel like myself again. It was amazing. And now I feel wonderful. I am off the medication, and I am feeling like a new person. I am happier than I have ever been because I have this amazing daughter whom I love with literally ALL of my heart. When I look at her now, sometimes I cry, but they are tears of happiness. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I just love her so much. And now every night when I lay down to go to sleep, I can’t stop smiling, because my daughter is in her crib, happy and healthy, and I made her. Through it all when I look at her, I know I am a good mom. And my daughter is amazing.


Monday, May 10, 2010

A birth story, 7 months later. Part 1

Saturday, September 26th 2009, that day was supposed to be my last day pregnant with Jayden, the next day, Sunday, September 27th 2009 was Jayden’s due date. I was being induced first thing in the morning. I was doing everything to induce labor on my own. I walked around the neighborhood a billion times, yes a billion. I ate fresh pineapple, tried some nasty tea, and even did you know what. Unfortunately nothing worked, I made sure my bag was all packed and went to bed. I tried to sleep, but knowing I was going to meet my beautiful baby the next day made it impossible. We checked into the hospital around 9, and I was given a room. Dr. Dillon came in to start the induction. After 3 applications of Cervidil we gave up. Jayden just wasn’t ready to come out and I really was not progressing. In my head I understood that it was the right thing to do, but in my heart I was hurting. I wanted to meet my daughter; I wanted to be a mom.

The plan was to go into the hospital 5 days later, on Friday the 2nd for round two. I was to go into my doctors’ office in the morning to check my dilation and blood pressure, and she would send me over to the hospital after that. After another sleepless night, I woke up feeling pretty awful. I showered and started to get ready. All of a sudden I was feeling sharp pains in my abdomen. I knew it wasn’t the pain that comes with contractions, and I started to feel sick. I tried my best to get packed up and ready through the pain, and we were on our way. We showed up at Dr. Dillon’s office around 9, and she informed me that they had a very busy night at the hospital and they might not have room for me. I was so disappointed. They still had me pee in a cup, and go on with the check-up. When I peed in the cup in was very red. There was a lot of blood in my urine, and I was still having the sharp pains. They checked my blood pressure and it was high. They thought I either had kidney stones or preeclampsia. Because of the concerns I was sent over to the hospital.

I was put into a room with other patients, they were so full, and they were waiting for a room to open up. After an abdominal ultrasound they found out it was kidney stones, but they didn’t seem too concerned. They finally put me n a room and Dr. Dillon came in to check me. I was convinced that after the 3 doses of Cervidil and 4 days of walking around as much as possible I would go in dilated at least 2 cm. I am still convinced that the “checking dilation” hurt worse than anything else that day. She took off her gloves and looked at me and said “just a fingertip.” I came back with “WHAT?!?!” How can that even be possible? It was very clear at that moment that Jayden was not going to give in. She was comfortable in there and did not want to come out.

The rest of the day and night are kind of a blur. I know it took over 12 hours to dilate more than 5 cm. It was a long day. A lot of checking dilation, a lot of waiting, a lot of nothing. When Dr. Dillon broke my water she noticed that the amniotic fluid had a brownish tint. It was meconium. Jayden had pooped. Dr. Dillon said it wasn’t a huge deal. They would just be prepared when I delivered. More waiting, and being starving, and anxious. Finally the contractions started to actually hurt. I told the nurse and she suggested I get my epidural. I was terrified. But the guy came in and joked around about being drunk and it was over before I knew it. He asked me how much my pain had gone away and I told him it was completely gone. I was excited, maybe this would be the extent of my pain, maybe the epidural really would take it all away. Ha! No way. My legs actually started to feel pretty numb. It really bothered me and I wasn’t expecting it, so I told the nurse. She offered to turn down my epidural a little bit, and since I wasn’t feeling any pain I thought why not. After another couple of hours I started to feel those contractions again. These made the ones I was feeling before feel like a foot massage. I had the really painful contractions for the next 12 hours or so. I didn’t scream at Jeremy that I hated him for doing this to me, and it was all his fault. Although when my contractions were really bad I did tell him not to look at me.

Finally around 6:30 a.m. on Sunday I felt the urge to push. be continued